Review: The Captain and the Squire (The Captivating Captains #5) by Catherine Curzon and Eleanor Harkstead

Tarquin Bough is a tweedy squire with an ambitious fiancée who controls his every move. He’s also the owner of the finest collection of saucy artefacts in the world. From Christine Keeler’s eyelash to the Virgin Queen’s dildo, they’re all safe in Tarquin’s care. 

Christopher Hardacre is a city-slicker with the tighest jodhpurs and the most smackable bottom in London. He’s given up the ratrace for a country life as captain of the village rowing team. The only trouble is, he’s lost his money to a ruthless scam and Bough Bottoms is his last hope of a home.

But Chris hasn’t reckoned on his late uncle’s will. The house comes with a sitting porcine tenant and if Chris can’t look after his newly-acquired pet pig, he’ll lose his inheritance and his last chance at happiness.

When Tarquin sees Chris it’s lust at first sight, but dare he be honest about his feelings in a village where being gay is bound to be a hot topic? As soon as Chris and Tarquin get together, it’s the hottest summer this little corner of England has ever known.

With a scheming local hotshot out to turn the beloved pig into sausages, can the captain and the squire save everybody’s bacon?

The Captain and the Squire is a total kick. The language is fun, the banter is deliciously dirty and the MC’s are just amusingly quirky. Tarquin and Christopher begin their relationship as enemies, but really don’t take long to delve into some mildly kinky games involving spanking and some right proper saucy talk. I loved the page time the two shared when they were on the same page and were shutting out the rest of Bough Bottoms.

Tarq’s family has a collection of sexual artifacts and he continues on in search of acquisitions. Chris will inherit his uncle’s estate if he can convince the Oracle of Delphi, his uncle’s pet pig to become his own beloved pet. The Oracle has been residing with Tarqs after the uncle’s death and thankfully Tarqs and Chris have become friends and then some so Chris can spend quality time singing show tunes to The Oracle.

Tarquin and Christopher are a match physically and emotionally. As much as I loved their dirty little games, who doesn’t love a man going commando in tight jodhpurs preparing for a little spanking action, I also loved the ridiculous amount of fluff the two threw each others way. Once they moved past just the physical and started falling for each other and contemplating the L word, they were adorably sappy and it wouldn’t have worked for just any characters, but it certainly worked for them. 

I do believe I liked the story more than 3 hearts worth, but cheating is my no-fly zone in stories and the fact that Tarquin and Petunia were engaged for most of the story really bothered me. I could see them being engaged at the start and breaking things off, but they didn’t, Tarquin was committing to marrying that bitch even after he and Chris were soooo obviously in love.

Tarquin didn’t love his fiance and vice versa, they didn’t even like each other. She treated yTarquin horribly and I lost respect for him for taking that nonsense, whether Chris was in his life or not. When Tarq and Chris have their ultimatum/miscommunication moment I wanted to choke my Kindle. I was all, “Dammit Tarq, you stupid hamster! Human up, get your shit together and clean house!” Not even for Chris, but for his own damn sake. The fact that Chris was paying the price for Tarqs epic level of stupid was so annoying.

I get the engagement was a plot point, and necessary for the “mystery” but it detracted from Chris and Tarq for me and that was the party I showed up for, the rest could have been replaced with something less offputting than infidelity.

Thank jeebus for a righteous ending and an even better epilogue. I do believe, in the end, The Oracle is the ultimate hero of this story, but I am ever so thankful that Tarq pulled it together and that Chris is the forgiving sort in the name of love and floggings.

**a copy of this story was provided for an honest review**

Review: Hot Air: A Villainous Love Story by T.J. Land

Bluster is the most incompetent supervillain around. He’s a klutz. He’s forgetful. His schemes never work. He never remembers to plan his escape, which doesn’t matter given that most superheroes don’t even bother sending him to prison anymore. Hardly anyone takes him seriously. That’s why he decided to retire a while ago. It had nothing to do with the fact that his handsome nemesis, Judge Justice, was forced to hand in his superhero license after finally breaking one too many rules. And Bluster’s decision to give up his retirement on the same day Judge Justice gets his license back is purely coincidental.

Judge Justice is the toughest superhero around. He’s edgy. He’s grim. He wears a lot of leather. As far as he’s concerned, supervillains are criminals, nothing more and nothing less. They deserve everything that’s coming to them. Sure, maybe he’s got a reputation for being harsh. So what? His methods work. When you’re dealing with a town full of caped crooks, no amount of force is excessive…except maybe when it comes to Bluster. That guy’s hopeless. It’s not that the Judge has a soft spot for him, but anyone can see that Bluster’s a bigger threat to himself than to the city. Which isn’t to say the Judge isn’t outraged when Bluster comes out of retirement the same day he gets his license back. He’s furious. Not even a tiny bit thrilled, because he’s not one of those imbeciles who actually likes his nemesis. He’s a professional. That’s why, when the Judge learns that Bluster’s in danger, he immediately appoints himself his guardian. After all, it’s a hero’s duty to protect the weak.

Bluster, however, has other ideas… 

Adorably silly...
Utterly ridiculous...
Fabulously funny...

...and just flat out fun.

Judge Justice, the meanest superhero in town, is called back to action after a year of being suspended for getting a bit too friendly with his fists.  Bluster, his archnemesis who went into retirement the day Justice was suspended, can't let the chance of him finding a new nemesis ever happen so he dons his purple supervillain suit and heads back into action as well. 

I had a ball reading this story!  The over-the-top plot and the snarky banter were just the tip of the iceberg.  While the storyline is intriguing enough to have caught my attention, it was the characters and their interactions with each other that really carried the story.  From the surface, this story looks to be just a fun romp filled with shenanigans and ridiculousness but on a closer look you find an amazing amount of depth to the characters.

While I loved Judge Justice and all his curmudgeonly ways, always growling and sniping at everyone, I adored Bluster.  Bluster is my spirit animal.  He's older, out of shape, has a squinty eye and a penchant for getting himself into the most ridiculous situations.  He can't spell to save his life and he talks to anything.  Seriously.  Cats, birds, zucchini... he can carry on a one-sided conversation like nobody's business.  His failure rate is exponential.  But does that keep him down?  No!  He just picks himself back up and charges right back into the fray.  He's pretty dang fearless.  He's also a bit of a conundrum.  He seems innocent and naive one minute and then wily and sharp-witted the next.

Keeping the pout going full throttle, he raised a thumb to his mouth and nibbled on the nail's edge, eyes flickering to the Leech and away again.  It was an old, favorite move of his, designed to send out the unambiguous message, 'Won't you heal my broken heart with your dick?'

My favorite moments by far are when the Judge and Bluster interact with each other.  Oh, the snark!  The banter!  I laughed so hard and so much while reading this I actually got a stitch in my side.  I could read their conversations for days and never tire of them.

"Don't worry, I can do this."  "The problem is that you've got a history of thinking you can do shit that you demonstrably cannot do.  Remember that time you tried to steal an armored truck?"  "That's not fair.  I was a kid then."  "You were thirty."

This was my first TJ Land story but I guarantee it won't be my last.  This was silly.  It was fun.  It was just what I needed to pull me out of the slump I was in.  I had a blast reading this.  I recommend this to those who like a bit of the ridiculous from time to time.  If you're a lover of shenanigans, you can't go wrong with this charming little tale.