Review: That Time I... Survived My Teens by Craig Barker

The Saturday prior to starting this memoir, my ex-fiancé and I had two of his work friends over for an old-fashioned games night. And when I say “old-fashioned,” I’m talking about dice, cards, racking up your points on an abacus, etc. You know, the things people entertained themselves with before politicians blamed every violent fart that wafted their way on video games.

Stop doing that.

Anyway, seeing as I didn’t know who these people were and would’ve much rather spent the evening on the sofa with our dog, I was less than optimistic. If anything, the whole ordeal was going to be like sitting through a Christopher Nolan movie. Sure, I’d say I was having a great time to fit in, but in all honesty, I wouldn’t have a clue what was happening, and I’d probably need to take a nap midway through.

Hours before they arrived, just as I’d started to have those “what if I accidentally say something so obscenely offensive or mind-numbingly stupid, I’ll be haunted by the memory of it for years to come” thoughts, my ex ran down into the basement in which I dwell, his eyes frantic, and begged—

“Please don’t talk about choking on dicks when they get here.”

Come again?

“Please, Craig. That kind of talk makes them uncomfortable. Don’t do it.”

I felt a flurry of emotions in the picosecond it took for his words to register: amused, bemused, offended. It sounded like a joke, but his face was full of fear—a fear that I would be unequivocally crude to these complete strangers, and that my behavior would burn bridges he obviously wanted to keep erect (more on erections later).

That was when it hit me like a pair of loose-hanging nuts to the taint; a realization that I, Craig Thomas Barker, had a pattern of behavior that stretched across my life since adolescence—

I’m the person you get warned about before meeting. I’m the person that gets warned before going anywhere.

Like Carrie Bradshaw, “I couldn’t help but wonder” why that was. So, in order to understand who I am today, I decided to take a look at the years that shaped me. I spread my life out on the table, lubed it with the flare of artistic exaggeration, and went at it until I found my answer.

This isn’t so much a memoir as it is a gay’s journey to discover himself; don’t expect structure, coherency, or a thoroughly thought out narrative with a climactic closing paragraph that gives any of this dribble closure. I’m no one special, I’m not famous, and I don’t have much to say that hasn’t been said before, but I have lived a life, and all twenty-six years of that life has culminated in a single sentence—

“Please don’t talk about choking on dicks when they get here.”

This memoir explains why…
And it was cheaper than therapy.

I’ve been on a memoir kick for a bit and one thing I always struggle with is rating them. I mean, how do you give rating for someone’s actual real life moments? Luckily, this one is very readable, engaging, full of feels, and written in a casual way that is reminiscent of telling stories to my best friends… in between alcohol, drugs, sex, and all the other trigger warnings that are sprinkled throughout. That Time I… Survived My Teens is sad, soooo heartbreaking, and had me laughing as we follow the author, Craig Barker through his teenage years while getting a contact high and liver damage from reading about all his shenanigans.

My initial thoughts were that this would be a cheeky, fun, and lighthearted read about all the embarrassing moments that take place throughout the teenage years. WRONG. The bullying and homophobia Barker endured is disgusting and absolutely heartbreaking to read about. How can “teachers” turn the other way? Administrators? Friends? Adults? Who the fuck ever? Someone should have been able to step up and step their ass in to protect him. But nope… and holy shit was he terrorized. I hope you don’t let that dissuade you from reading this. I would imagine that reliving this was painful for him but finally telling his story to people that will actually listen might be therapeutic. Like lancing a wound and getting rid of the infection. I felt honored to share a fraction of this heartbreaking memoir and only wish I could have been his teacher so his path wouldn’t have been as broken.

Was Craig innocent and the picture of a perfect student, son, friend? Nope. Not even a little. He admits his pain-in-the-assery and selfish tendencies. Some reactions and actions are questionable but when you’re constantly backed into a corner/wall and the very people hired to care for and protect you only exacerbate the issues, it’s inevitable one would strike out at anyone and everyone.

Craig experienced a lot beginning at age 13 through high school and I’m glad I was able to read and feel his story, angst, anger, sadness, hopelessness, and moments of his escape. I’ll most definitely continue on this journey if he feels inclined to tell us more. Recommended.

Trigger- drugs, alcohol, mention of self-harm, bullying, homophobia, addiction, depression.

P.S. Fuck that school. Fuck the administrators and most especially Fuck the teachers. As educators we are hired to teach children not only academics but go alongside parents to model how to be good human beings and not tolerate this behavior. The assholes in this school (and any other school that allows bullying and homophobia to take place) clearly got into education for wrong reasons. On behalf of “mama/papa bear” educators who truly love their jobs and the students placed in our charges, I’m sorry. You are loved. You are valued. You are worth it just as you are.

Copy provided for honest review.

An ARC was provided in exchange for an honest review.

Audiobook Review: Coming Back (Belladonna Arms #3) by John Inman

Barney Teegarden knows what it’s like to be alone. He knows what it’s like to have a romantic heart, yet no love in his life to unleash the romance on. With the help of a friend, he acquires a lease in a seedy apartment building perched high on a hill in downtown San Diego. The Belladonna Arms is not only filled with the quirkiest cast of characters imaginable, it is also famous for sprinkling love dust on even the loneliest of the lovelorn.

At the Arms, Barney finds friendship, acceptance, and an adopted family that lightens his lonely life. Hell, he even finds a cat. But still true love eludes him.

When his drag queen landlord, Arthur, takes it into his head to rescue a homeless former tenant, he enlists Barney’s help. It is Barney who shows this lost soul how to trust again—and in return Barney discovers love for the first time in his life.

It’s funny how even the hardest battles can be fought and won with laughter, hugs, friends, plus a little faith in the goodness of others. All it takes to begin the healing is the simple act of coming back.

Narrator: Shawn Hertel
Listening Length: 5 hrs and 53 mins

I have a serious soft spot in my heart for the Belladonna Arms series by John Inman. Every time I read a new one I’m all, “ooooooh, this one’s my favorite” and then the next one comes and I do the same thing. So, the audiobooks are a real treat to revisit, because each one gets a chance to be my favorite again! Total book logic that makes sense. Don’t question it, just roll with it.

The series is set in my hometown of San Diego which is an added bonus since I can picture every locale the author describes and he describes San Diego very well. Belladonna Arms feels like home when you get invited in, as terrible as it sounds aesthetically, the Arms are home to those who need the love pollen, and the Arms delivers.

While I may be fickle with my favoriting, in all honesty, Coming Back is probably my favorite of the Belladonna Arms series. The characters are extra deserving of the pollen, and the arc spans from books one through three, heavier on the one and three.

Barney is an unassuming everyman, he’s relatable and kind and I couldn’t help but want the best for him from the moment he moved in. He and Arthur, the resident owner/landlord/drag queen extraordinaire, bond from the moment they meet and it’s a perfect friendship for what Arthur ends up planning to bring an original member of the Arms back to the fold.

Arthur has shenanigans planned, he always seems to, and he’s his altruistic self wrapped in yards of organza and feathered boas gets Barney in on his plans. Coming Back is more than just a meet-cute and romance, it’s redemption and second chances and it has a depth beyond rom-com that I appreciated on every level.

I don’t want to go into too much detail, because spoilers and all (even though you can read every other review by now and figure out who comes back home), suffice it to say, Coming Back is everything you want in a redemption, second chance, first romance story. There’s laughs, a little bit of angst and lots of love. Coming Back delivers a John Inman trait that I love. He doesn’t wait until the very end to bring his MC’s together and that is one of the things that makes him a go-to/auto-buy author for me. I get to see the MC’s as individuals and as a couple, I get to get lots of time with them together as they grow and it makes me buy into an HEA easily.

The audiobooks from the Belladonna Arms series have different narrators for each story. I actually love that they’re all different, it gives each story its own voice, both literally and figuratively. Each one has been a great fit and Coming Back is right in line with the first two. This is the first time I’ve listened to Shawn Hertel narrate and he has Barney down perfectly. And his Arthur is spot in. I liked his tone very much, he was just enough without being too much all the way through.

**a copy of this audiobook was provided for an honest review**

Review: Oskar Blows A Gasket by Claire Davis and Al Stewart

Armed with designer backpack full of make-up and retro music galore, Oskar sets off for college. And, with attitude even spikier than his heels, nothing is going to hold him back. Except maybe one thing…his past is shouting louder than the 80s songs he adores and it won't be ignored. Behind the effervescence are secrets, lies and sadness. Try as he might, not even Oskar can hide forever, and one day it isn't only pop icon Simon Le Bon who's going to catch up.

Who is writing letters? And why is a spy secretly following? 

Enter Bear, with dancing eyes and secrets of his own. Bear's kindness sparkles brighter than Lycra leggings, and everyone knows Oskar loves shiny things. Like every prophecy, their fates seem inevitably linked. As the walls of Oskar's defence crumble, Bear shows his hidden strength, but will it be enough to save them?

Find out in this far-out, zany tale of fame, first love and retro DJs.

Flawed characters are the best. Oskar is flawed.

Flawed characters aren’t always likable but they have a charisma that draws other characters (and the reader) into their world and we all want to be there, even if we may not always like said character. Oskar is that guy and man he has charisma in spades and an attitude to match. I liked how the authors introduce him though. I was expecting the bitchy snark based on the blurb, but the beginning balanced him out and softened him up enough so that I couldn’t wait to know more about what made Oskar tick.

Bear is Oskar’s complete antithesis and absolute complement. It takes a long time to get there, but it’s obvious from the beginning that Bear (the name that Oskar bestowed upon him) is completely powerless when he’s up against Oskar’s charms. I’m jumping the gun a bit and this is very cliche to say, but these two were made for one another.

The style in which the tale is told works perfectly for both their stories. They both get (and need to be) front and center in the present time and they both get to tell their histories through series of letters to family. While Oskar and Bear are complete opposites in just about every way, they both have a commonality in tales of heartbreaking childhoods. Very different, but the damage is still similar and like recognizes like, so I think the trust that eventually came to them made sense and was believable from the beginning.

Oskar is a sassy bitch in the beginning and Bear is more than happy to do his every bidding. Oskar wears his attitude like armor and Gareth just wants to be liked. It’s both amusing and slightly sad to read about them finding their feet in college. The first half of the story is told from Oskar’s perspective with a letter from Gareth to his father at the beginning of each. My heart broke in progressively smaller bits as I read Gareth’s letters until I was left completely shattered for him.
The method the authors used was just so good though and gave each of the characters extra depth in turn. I know I mentioned the style already, but it really was the perfect vehicle for this story so I ended up coming back to it.

The two come together, push each other away and let their quirks fly. It’s always the little things that bring a character to life, giving the whole story a level of depth and relatability that many others miss. Oskar is held together by his quirks and Gareth turns out to be a bit of an Oskar whisperer and their banter was a treat to read. Gareth is by nature a caretaker and Oskar needs caretaking, but the relationship still grew and balanced out because while Gareth did take care of Oskar, Oskar was fiercely protective of Gareth and Gareth needed someone to come to his defense with the passion only Oskar could bring to the party.

I was thankful that the two of them became an official couple well before the book was over. I needed to see them together and read how their dynamics evolved as their lives changed. Without that I don’t think I could have believed in their HEA as strongly as I did by the time the story was over. The book is more than just a coming of age novel, there is much more to it than that and the authors did an excellent job of balancing the story of a couple of broken boys with a heartwarming and humorous romance.

**a copy of this story was provided for an honest review**

Review: Olive Juice by T.J. Klune

It begins with a message that David cannot ignore:

I want to see you.

He agrees, and on a cold winter’s night, David and Phillip will come together to sift through the wreckage of the memory of a life no longer lived.

David is burdened, carrying with him the heavy guilt of the past six years upon his shoulders.

Phillip offers redemption.

This book simply cannot be spoiled and I don’t spoil books. What I will do is talk about is how this book made me feel and what it made me think about.

The story isn’t one that’s new, sadly enough the basics of it is something we have seen numerous times over our lives and either been affected by it, pushed it aside or tried our hardest to forget it happened, grateful that it wasn’t us or someone we knew. It doesn’t need to directly happen to us to feel the damage, the heartbreak, hopelessness and utter lack of answers it brings. 

This story for me is about the need for closure or to use a psychological term, the Need for Cognitive Closure. *** Closure or need for closure (NFC) (used interchangeably with need for cognitive closure (NFCC)) are psychological terms that describe an individual's desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity. The term "need" denotes a motivated tendency to seek out information. ***

Told from the singular perspective of David, we meet him as he is sitting outside a fancy hotel going to meet Philip. From his detailed internal dialogue, we know Philip is someone of great importance to David and someone he loves deeply though they have been separated for years. There is an infusion of a third party that isn’t completely solid as who they are to both men until later. Many times, I thought I knew and while my first guess was right, it didn’t lessen the impact of getting it from David himself.

When something tragic happens to us, no matter what it might be, not knowing is the beast of burden. It’s terrible to have so many questions that cannot be answered by anyone and not getting them can cause people to act irrational. I am not in the field of psychology nor do I have any experience other than my own therapy sessions dealing with the Need for Cognitive Closure but I recognize it in David. I see it the way he decides to live his life after the tragedy, how he treats Philip when he doesn’t act the same as David and in his regrets of what he lost. David feels as if his weekly calls and all that he does is being productive when it’s really a distraction of dealing with… it.

Goodness. I have so much I want to say about this book. So much I identified with about meeting, the food and the people that attend. Though again, my experience isn’t the same, it’s one that can almost be felt on a level of empathy with a side of tangible understanding.

While some say this isn’t a romance, I beg to differ. Just because a book doesn’t have on page sex or doesn’t begin with the meet cute to the over the top HEA, doesn’t make it not a romance. What David and Philip have will forever be a romance. Their love story is one for the books with how amazing it all has been. What they have been dealing with is beyond their control but with a chance and a want for change, there can be a new romance between them.

I have to admit, I thought I was made of tougher stuff while reading this but I got to a certain part and lost it. Full on tears and snot but it was such a beautiful moment that I couldn’t help it and honestly didn’t care.

Klune is a master with words and his story telling with Olive Juice is stunning. He has taken what should be recognized nationally at the minimum, but is all too often only covered by the few that acknowledge it’s actually happening, and provided readers with a glimpse into the lives it tears apart. Klune provides readers with facts without shoving it down your throat but making you pause and think… what have you seen? It’s a way of opening your eyes to what you don’t want to see in a place you’d least expect it. Well done, sir.

Olive Juice is simply an achingly bittersweet and heartbreaking story that truly makes you feel and makes you think beyond the lines of what you think you should. It’s just… yeah.