Review: Mine by Mary Calmes

Trevan Bean has a job that’s going from illegal to frightening, a boyfriend who may not be in his right mind, and a guardian angel who might actually be evil incarnate. Add to that the reappearance of his boyfriend’s estranged family, death threats, kidnapping, and the struggle of saving money to realize a dream, and Trevan has a lot on his plate. But Trevan is up to the challenge: he promised Landry a happily ever after, and Landry’s going to have it if it kills him!

It just might.

Landry Carter was a broken doll when they met two years ago but has grown into a partner who can stand at Trevan’s side… most of the time. Now that Trevan’s life just got scary—and Landry just got himself kidnapped—Trevan has to hope Landry’s love stays strong through this newest challenge, because the happily ever after won’t happen if Trevan has to go it alone.


Author of the Month and… official MC cherry popping.

How do I rate this thing? Is there like a Calmesian scale? 

If I were to rate this on the level of cray cray, there aren't enough hearts. Valentine's Day is mere child's play comparatively. 

If I were to rate the soap operaesqueness, it would be somewhere in the 4 heart range. Days of Our Lives didn't have this level of batshityness and that show was chock-a-block with nutjobs. Every one of these characters ain't right. Every one! If I were to rate my enjoyment… uh, I'm kind of scared of Calmes Nation coming after me with pitchforks and maces, but, yeah, I enjoyed it. For a soap opera. So, actual rating… uh, what is ∞ x 4 x 2? Meh, math was never my strong suit, so I'll go with 3 hearts and call it a day.

"You will never get away from me, you should resign yourself to that now."

"Lan-"

"I'll kill you and then myself, that's a promise."

Mine is like that highway accident that everyone slows down to look at while you're cursing them for holding you up but when you get to it you look too. I looked. I knew the MCs were whackadoodles going in but I had NO idea the level of whackadoodledome. I'm not saying they should be committed but it wouldn't be the worst call anyone ever made. Landry holds a switchblade while jacking off over his sleeping lover in a fugue state about to carve his initials on him so everyone would "know" that he's his? Uh… Because he was dancing with a girl at a party earlier. Did he think that dance was going to un-gay him? And his nutjob boyfriend was all, 'hey, babe. You awake?' 

RUN FORREST RUN!!!!!!!

Nope. They bang and all is well. Then again, Trev's bestie is a contract killer who randomly breaks into his apartment to watch him sleep because it "soothes" him, so I'm guessing he's desensitized to the cuckoo. I actually began to wonder if this was some elaborate AU somewhere in the middle because Trev seems to have some sort of spellbinding power over all the people. All the people of zooville, but still he's their golden child. How does he always know what to say to everyone that either engenders everlasting devotion, inexplicable trust, life altering insightfulness or fuck me eyes. I secretly still believe he's a wizard or is the PC term warlock? I tell ya, for a dude who's supposedly not that attractive everyone is gagging to get in his pants. It's the golden, right?

I'm getting off track here. So, I knew the MCs were freak shows, but the entire supporting cast too? There's infidelity, awkward family dynamics, an illegitimate son, an apparently requisite kidnapping and the contract killer. Now, I hate sound all creepy and whatnot, but a contract killer who's a platinum member at Hertz sounds like a sucky ass contract killer to me. What kind of contract killer uses the same name every time? Bad call, contract killer. Bad call. If I'm being honest, the whole Vegas experience was a win for me. The fracas on the roof when Daria told Will to go fall on another dick? Priceless. Then Trev had to go being all irresistible again and started dancing with the ladies just asking for trouble like a rebel!

Between the panting and gasping and crying, I understood that I needed to fill him up, he wanted it to leak out of him for hours.

Did he now? 

Yeah, he did. Because freak show x codependent/∞ = Landry. Angry sex, desperate sex, mildly kinky sex, borderline exhibitionist sex, you name it. Yet, surprisingly there was very little sex on the page. In my humble opinion, it could've used more sex *mumbles side mouth* and less plot. I know. I know. Then it wouldn't have been a true "Calmes" esssssperrience. 

The writing… what's with all the short declarative sentences that are essentially redundant not to mention repetitive? Also, what's with the dialogue? Who said what is too bourgeois for The Calmes? 

BUT, before the butthurt morphs into stabby, I did laugh. I made a butt load of weird faces. I face palmed a few times. I wish I had known about that drinking game, though. I would've saved it for a weekend and had a big time. Like a box of wine big time. 

I don't need to recommend this to anyone. Everyone's read it already!

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