Review: The Handy Men by Jamie K. Schmidt

Jack and Dean love each other, but they’re missing the woman to complete their triangle. When newly divorced Paige Richards buys a Bed and Breakfast on Hamlet Island and employs them to help her fix the inn up, Jack and Dean are sure they’ve found the one they’ve been looking for. Despite the playful, sexy clues they drop, luscious Paige is reticent about getting involved, even when they set the stage so she can stumble on them in action. They can tell by her responses she wants to join them, but rumors travel fast on the small island, and tales of a threesome could get back to the conservative, family vacation crowd who won’t patronize those with an alternative lifestyle. And the last thing they want for Paige is the B&B’s rooms…and her bank account…to remain empty. But Jack and Dean will stop at nothing to prove to Paige that she can have it all…with them.

After much angst over how to rate and/or review this book I've landed on 2 Hearts because I was EN-TER-TAINED! I'm not sure if the author intended this to be bawdy but it was to me.

It's a safe bet that there will be spoilage ahead.

Ever watch bad porn? It starts off fair to middling then the "actors" try to start "acting" and maybe even the director gets in on the thing and tries to throw a plot off in there and you don't know what to do with yourself? Should you stay and see this thing through or say fuck this noise and tap out?

Well, I stayed. I couldn't stop myself. I blame General Hospital for this character deficit.

Paige is a recent divorcee and is part drama queen divided by crazy train who meets her match in tweedledee and tweedledum a.k.a. Jack and Dean. This thing between them has been brewing for almost a year with her being clueless to all their not at all subtle come-ons including staging a boning sesh in a beach pavilion when they knew she'd be walking by. From the time they get together to the end is maybe a month and it escalates quickly, as these things tend to do. The instalove is strong with this one.

Let me just say I had NO idea that the buying, trading and selling of fictional properties with the possibility of bankrupty looming at the roll of the dice known as Monopoly could lead to burying one's face inside another's vagina. Might I say ouch and way to think outside the just a board game box.

The sex these people have laughs in the face of human capacity with everlasting orgasms, exploding and monster magic peens that spring up like they were on a clapper. Rebound time. Schmebound time.

"I'm going to fuck you as soon as you drench his face."

All of which is to be expected in porn but then the soap opera began. Jack and Dean have an ex-girlfriend who was apparently banging other dudes while they were together which somehow Jack knew but Dean didn't. *squints* She then decided she didn't want to be "that girl" which apparently translates into being in a triad rather than banging a bunch of randoms so Stephanie (ex) ultimatumed Dean with a marriage proposal that would've second stringed Jack in public and Jack's feels are still hurt. Dean put the kibosh on that deal with a quickness and promptly turned around and married Jack. Well, guess who's back in town with a kid no less?

She sails a foursome sitch past Paige and Paige whips out the martyr card to Dean and Jack when Jack's all welllll mebbe? *cue more dramatics* Much tears. Hasty break up due to butthurtedness. Deliberate obtuseness. Complete balderdash.

"Stephanie makes my dick hard." 

Dean sighed. 

"But she doesn't touch my heart. Paige is my choice. Now and forever. If Brendon is ours, we'll make sure Paige knows that while Stephanie is the mother of our child, she'll never be our wife. Paige is the only wife for us."

The struggle to contain my laughter was real. 

I haven't even mentioned Paige's rents, her ex or how this seemingly idyllic isle is actually Stepford. Her parents floated her 60K so she could open the B&B with a clause that basically says if they don't like anything she does with it or if she doesn't repay the 60K within her first year of business then they can take it away from her. Like, what's even the point of that? The plot thickens when Paige gets a bee in her bonnet, "moves some money around" and repays her parents within her first week of opening!

How...? What even?

The drama continues as Fred, her ex, keeps turning up in her life seemingly trying to make inroads back to her despite the fact that he's now engaged to Barbie, the woman he left her for and, for the record, Paige caught him with at the Waldorf while Paige was sporting a French maid outfit underneath her trench. BURN!!!!! Inexplicably he's still SUPER tight with her parents, makes the trek out to the isle with them for the grand opening and wants to rent out the B&B for his wedding! *cackles*

I've no clue how old these dudes are but they are cliched good boy/bad boy archtypes. Jack is the bad boy with tattoos and a penchant for some bedroom bossiness and a mouth that should be duct taped.

"Let's just ask her outright. Do you want to fuck or not?"

"...We'll treat her like a queen."
"Fuck her like porn stars." Jack mimicked bending her over and fucking her from behind.

"My cock," Jack mouthed and then pointed to his crotch with two thumbs up.

Dean smacked him.

"And yours," Jack mouthed and pointed.

Dean is the "good" one that's clean-cut, reliable, steady and your basic snoozefest. But she loves them both with all her heart. Well, half her heart. Since two dudes. And an illegitimate bébé.

If you like a soap, there was never a dull moment. 

A copy was provided by NetGalley.